I will admit that adoption is a very scary and confusing thing. It's not like going to the store and buying a can opener, look amongst the shelves, open the boxes, check out the options and then take one home. I know adopting a child is not the same thing, nor should it be. But to most people they don't understand the time and work it takes to first get there and then to go through the process. They think you drive over to the child outlet store, pick one off a shelf (relax they're padded) and get it scanned at the register. Although this would be neat, I think they refer to this as the
black market.
To take a more serious tone, adoption is generally done when a couple is unable to have children. My wife had a few health issues. Those who know us will remember those times. I think it's best for her to describe them in a separate post. But she has recovered since having her alive and healthy is the most important thing, and now we want to start a family.
After the aneurysm we started to discuss the idea of adoption and were feeling comfortable with it. Three years ago we started to look around on the web about the process. Shortly after I was laid off and then the cancer diagnosis. During her recovery I did research on adoption agencies since they are the best method of adopting a child. As you can imagine there are a lot a legal requirements that come with the process. If you go it alone you need to have an attorney to do the paperwork and you will have to find someone to give the required classes and home study interviews. Then you will need to find someone who is looking to adopt. Unless you're an attorney and know someone who wants you to raise their child, this is a lot of work especially for someone who doesn't know what to do.
I looked up different adoption agencies in Oregon. Almost all of them had a web site so I could read up on them. Many are through different churches. While I have no objection to this and glad to see that they do this, almost all of the religious ones expect for you to raise the child practicing their religion. I know there is no law requiring this if we adopt a child through a religious agency, but I don't feel right adopting on false promises. They have a right to request this and I believe in respecting their wishes.
Other agencies deal with foreign adoption, something that we both agreed that we don't want. Yes I know there are many children around the globe who need a family, but there are many here in this country too. Especially in our own communities. I believe that you take care of where you live first then worry about helping others. That and the cost is much, much more, not to mention dealing with international laws.
The one that seemed to look the best was Open Family Adoption Services. They are based in Oregon and Washington and deal with children locally, that's one major plus. They are not affiliated with any church so they don't have a requirement of what religion they want you to raise the child. Now we're at plus two. The one requirement they want is for the adoption to be open.
Before I researched adoption, I did not know what an open adoption was. At first I thought this isn't a good idea. Then I started to do research and found out that I was wrong. Adoptions in the past were commonly closed, meaning that the birth mother gave the child up for adoption and would never see the child again. She wouldn't have any knowledge where the child was living, what it was named, no information at all. The child was usually not told either or if they knew, had no way of easily finding who their parents were. This created problems for the children who grew up not knowing who their birth parents were and not knowing why they were put up for adoption. The birth mother, and sometimes the birth family, generally never had the opportunity to explain why they put their child up for adoption and wouldn't see them grow up.
The idea of an open adoption is simple. The birth mother picks the family that she wants to see her child raised in. The family meets with the birth mother and after counseling and getting to know each other, decides to have her child adopted by the family she picks. After the child is born, the birth mother, and hopefully members of her family and the birth father and his family, will stay involved with the child. The important thing to note here is that the child is not going to be co-parented, the birth family will be a part of the family just like relatives. Agreements are usually made up and the birth mother will see the child at least three or four times a year such as on birthdays, holidays and other events.
This has been done for many years now and has worked very well. While it is never easy for a mother to give up her child, knowing that the child is being loved and being provided the life that she couldn't give does soften the blow. The child also benefits because they grow up knowing who the birth mother is, and hopefully the birth father as well. There is no mystery, they know why they were put up for adoption, they realized that they are loved and when they are adults they don't have to try and find their birth parents, they've known them their entire lives.
The one concern I had was will my child look at me as the parent or the biological parent as the real parent. I though about it and I realized something. When you are born you don't remember anything. After a few years your brain starts to function better and you know who your parents are. They are the ones who feed you, clothe you, love you, are there for you. You love your parents and they love you back. Think back to your childhood and growing up with your parents. If you were then told that you were not biologically related to them, would you no longer think of them as your parents? Of course not, they are your parents because they raised you. Adopted children don't look at the birth parents as their parents, they know their moms and dads are the ones who raise them.
Once I realized this was a good idea, I knew I had found the right adoption agency for us. They cover everything from the 12 hour class required by state law, the home-study, finding birth mothers, counseling and help with the legal paperwork. Since I know that we haven't done this before and will most likely never do it again, it is much easier to have someone guide you along who has done this for years. That is how I picked our adoption agency and I know I made the right decision.
