An interesting thing about human nature. People will follow the rules until they run across one that they don't believe in. You can pass and enact all the laws in the world, but if people don't agree with them, they won't follow them. The only real way to get people to follow what you are trying to change is to change people's attitudes and beliefs.
An example of this is abortion. Currently there are few restrictions on abortion as opposed to many years ago when there were many more laws restricting the act. This has created lots of debate about whether or not how much or how little should abortion be allowed. But one point is constantly missed, no one believes that abortion is a good thing. There may be argument over whether or not it is necessary, but no one embarrasses it as a positive thing.
No woman has ever found out that she was pregnant and with great excitement decided how terrific it is to now go and get an abortion. No sane woman that is. I cannot imagine what the thought process is and what emotions and feelings a woman has when she finds out she is pregnant. If a woman has made up her mind to have an abortion, no laws will stop her if that is what she wants.
A better solution than trying to repeal or pass more laws is to change people's mindset. If adoption is promoted as an alternative to abortion, there is a chance that the mother may not abort her child. Through education and promoting a choice of allowing your child to be placed with a loving family, more women my opt for adoption. The most common reason why women consider abortion is that they don't believe they will be able to raise their child. Showing them that open adoption works and that their child will not disappear after she gives birth may help them change their mindset about abortion.
As a society we need to promote adoption as another way for people to have a family or expand their family. When we removed the negative stigma of adoption it will become a viable solution for an unwanted pregnancy. This will not work in all circumstances, but for every child that is adopted is one less that is aborted. This is how we can change the mindset of abortion one pregnancy at a time.
You may ask is this a concept that everyone can get behind? I truly believe so. If you are pro-life then you would support open adoption to help save the life of the child. If you are pro-choice you would support open adoption since the child will have a loving family and it doesn't force the birth mother to raise a child she wouldn't have been able to. Solutions are forged when common ground is found between two conflicting beliefs. In the case of abortion the solution is open adoption.
Christiana & Adam
Showing posts with label #adoption #mayeradoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #adoption #mayeradoption. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Adoption not Abortion
There is one common thread about adoption and abortion, almost everyone has the same feeling about them. No one I know likes abortion. I am not making an argument in favor or against it, people who know me know my personal position on the issue. But people will debate and take strong positions over if abortion should be legal or restricted or illegal, yet no one will say that it is good thing. Of this there is agreement. Conversely on adoption, almost everyone likes adoption. Not many people have done it, but when people here that you are pursuing it, you get kind words of support.
Now combining these two issues is an important thing to do, they need to work hand in hand. Every adopted child is one less child aborted. No matter where you stand on the abortion issue this is something you can't argue against. There are many families who want to adopt a child, Chris and myself as one of them. And I hope that if a woman is thinking about abortion to be told that there are many people like us who can't have children of our own and want to raise a family.
For me I see it as a win-win-win situation. This is where open adoption comes into play. The first win is for Chris and myself as we get the opportunity to raise a child and give them all the love and opportunity that we can provide for them. The second win is for the birth mother who will know that her child is going to get the upbringing that she may have not been able to provide for the child. And since she will become part of our family, and hopefully her family too, she will be a part of the child's life and not have the mystery of where her child went. And most importantly is the third win, the child gets to be born and live.
Now combining these two issues is an important thing to do, they need to work hand in hand. Every adopted child is one less child aborted. No matter where you stand on the abortion issue this is something you can't argue against. There are many families who want to adopt a child, Chris and myself as one of them. And I hope that if a woman is thinking about abortion to be told that there are many people like us who can't have children of our own and want to raise a family.
For me I see it as a win-win-win situation. This is where open adoption comes into play. The first win is for Chris and myself as we get the opportunity to raise a child and give them all the love and opportunity that we can provide for them. The second win is for the birth mother who will know that her child is going to get the upbringing that she may have not been able to provide for the child. And since she will become part of our family, and hopefully her family too, she will be a part of the child's life and not have the mystery of where her child went. And most importantly is the third win, the child gets to be born and live.
Friday, March 21, 2014
The Process: Application and home-study
Adam and I knew it would a challenge to
adopt considering our ages (40ish) and my health but I
never dreamed the paperwork would wear me down, take so long and be
so personal.
Here is a partial list of what our
agency required to process our application.
- Applications Forms: (Please keep a computer copy of all your forms)
- Intake Form (one per applicant)
- General Release of Information (one per applicant)
- Health History Form (one per applicant)
- Grievance Policy
What this does not cover is the time
that it takes to pull this stuff together and the reading that was
required. I understand that this is all done to keep the best
interests of the child in mind but it gets overwhelming sometimes.
This does not cover the cost of the application process and the
interviews that we did before we were accepted by the agency.
After our application was accepted then
we entered the home-study phase. That is the phase were your adoption
counselor looks at every area of your life to make sure that you
would make a good adoptive parent. In fairness the agency needs to
make sure that you are adopting for the right reasons and that you
will have the money to complete the adoption. The amount and
length of paperwork just amazed me. Below is a partial list of
forms that Adam and I had to complete in order to begin our
home-study
- Acknowledgment of Adoption Assistance Availability
- Authorization for Credit Background Check
- A signed copy of current Contract for Adoption Services
- Five Reference Letters (four of which need to be non-relative)
- Doctor’s Report Forms(s)
- Financial Form
- Adoptive Family Information Form
- Autobiography
- Copy of most recent Federal Income Tax Return (1040)
- Copy of Government Issued Photo Identification
- Copy of Birth Certificate
- Copy of Marriage Certificate (if applicable)
Once the forms were turned in and the
reference letters sent to the agency. We have no idea what anyone
said but I assume that it was good since we were allowed to keep on
the home-study path.
The point of listing all of the forms
that are required before the application and home-study can even
begin is not to bore you but show what adoptive parents have to do. I
remember complaining to a friend: look at the forms I have to fill
out and the information I have to provide. Her response back was
pretty quick: of-course you do someone is giving you their child to
raise. Which was true.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
How To Pick An Adoption Agency
I will admit that adoption is a very scary and confusing thing. It's not like going to the store and buying a can opener, look amongst the shelves, open the boxes, check out the options and then take one home. I know adopting a child is not the same thing, nor should it be. But to most people they don't understand the time and work it takes to first get there and then to go through the process. They think you drive over to the child outlet store, pick one off a shelf (relax they're padded) and get it scanned at the register. Although this would be neat, I think they refer to this as the black market.
To take a more serious tone, adoption is generally done when a couple is unable to have children. My wife had a few health issues. Those who know us will remember those times. I think it's best for her to describe them in a separate post. But she has recovered since having her alive and healthy is the most important thing, and now we want to start a family.
After the aneurysm we started to discuss the idea of adoption and were feeling comfortable with it. Three years ago we started to look around on the web about the process. Shortly after I was laid off and then the cancer diagnosis. During her recovery I did research on adoption agencies since they are the best method of adopting a child. As you can imagine there are a lot a legal requirements that come with the process. If you go it alone you need to have an attorney to do the paperwork and you will have to find someone to give the required classes and home study interviews. Then you will need to find someone who is looking to adopt. Unless you're an attorney and know someone who wants you to raise their child, this is a lot of work especially for someone who doesn't know what to do.
I looked up different adoption agencies in Oregon. Almost all of them had a web site so I could read up on them. Many are through different churches. While I have no objection to this and glad to see that they do this, almost all of the religious ones expect for you to raise the child practicing their religion. I know there is no law requiring this if we adopt a child through a religious agency, but I don't feel right adopting on false promises. They have a right to request this and I believe in respecting their wishes.
Other agencies deal with foreign adoption, something that we both agreed that we don't want. Yes I know there are many children around the globe who need a family, but there are many here in this country too. Especially in our own communities. I believe that you take care of where you live first then worry about helping others. That and the cost is much, much more, not to mention dealing with international laws.
The one that seemed to look the best was Open Family Adoption Services. They are based in Oregon and Washington and deal with children locally, that's one major plus. They are not affiliated with any church so they don't have a requirement of what religion they want you to raise the child. Now we're at plus two. The one requirement they want is for the adoption to be open.
Before I researched adoption, I did not know what an open adoption was. At first I thought this isn't a good idea. Then I started to do research and found out that I was wrong. Adoptions in the past were commonly closed, meaning that the birth mother gave the child up for adoption and would never see the child again. She wouldn't have any knowledge where the child was living, what it was named, no information at all. The child was usually not told either or if they knew, had no way of easily finding who their parents were. This created problems for the children who grew up not knowing who their birth parents were and not knowing why they were put up for adoption. The birth mother, and sometimes the birth family, generally never had the opportunity to explain why they put their child up for adoption and wouldn't see them grow up.
The idea of an open adoption is simple. The birth mother picks the family that she wants to see her child raised in. The family meets with the birth mother and after counseling and getting to know each other, decides to have her child adopted by the family she picks. After the child is born, the birth mother, and hopefully members of her family and the birth father and his family, will stay involved with the child. The important thing to note here is that the child is not going to be co-parented, the birth family will be a part of the family just like relatives. Agreements are usually made up and the birth mother will see the child at least three or four times a year such as on birthdays, holidays and other events.
This has been done for many years now and has worked very well. While it is never easy for a mother to give up her child, knowing that the child is being loved and being provided the life that she couldn't give does soften the blow. The child also benefits because they grow up knowing who the birth mother is, and hopefully the birth father as well. There is no mystery, they know why they were put up for adoption, they realized that they are loved and when they are adults they don't have to try and find their birth parents, they've known them their entire lives.
The one concern I had was will my child look at me as the parent or the biological parent as the real parent. I though about it and I realized something. When you are born you don't remember anything. After a few years your brain starts to function better and you know who your parents are. They are the ones who feed you, clothe you, love you, are there for you. You love your parents and they love you back. Think back to your childhood and growing up with your parents. If you were then told that you were not biologically related to them, would you no longer think of them as your parents? Of course not, they are your parents because they raised you. Adopted children don't look at the birth parents as their parents, they know their moms and dads are the ones who raise them.
Once I realized this was a good idea, I knew I had found the right adoption agency for us. They cover everything from the 12 hour class required by state law, the home-study, finding birth mothers, counseling and help with the legal paperwork. Since I know that we haven't done this before and will most likely never do it again, it is much easier to have someone guide you along who has done this for years. That is how I picked our adoption agency and I know I made the right decision.
To take a more serious tone, adoption is generally done when a couple is unable to have children. My wife had a few health issues. Those who know us will remember those times. I think it's best for her to describe them in a separate post. But she has recovered since having her alive and healthy is the most important thing, and now we want to start a family.
After the aneurysm we started to discuss the idea of adoption and were feeling comfortable with it. Three years ago we started to look around on the web about the process. Shortly after I was laid off and then the cancer diagnosis. During her recovery I did research on adoption agencies since they are the best method of adopting a child. As you can imagine there are a lot a legal requirements that come with the process. If you go it alone you need to have an attorney to do the paperwork and you will have to find someone to give the required classes and home study interviews. Then you will need to find someone who is looking to adopt. Unless you're an attorney and know someone who wants you to raise their child, this is a lot of work especially for someone who doesn't know what to do.
I looked up different adoption agencies in Oregon. Almost all of them had a web site so I could read up on them. Many are through different churches. While I have no objection to this and glad to see that they do this, almost all of the religious ones expect for you to raise the child practicing their religion. I know there is no law requiring this if we adopt a child through a religious agency, but I don't feel right adopting on false promises. They have a right to request this and I believe in respecting their wishes.
Other agencies deal with foreign adoption, something that we both agreed that we don't want. Yes I know there are many children around the globe who need a family, but there are many here in this country too. Especially in our own communities. I believe that you take care of where you live first then worry about helping others. That and the cost is much, much more, not to mention dealing with international laws.
The one that seemed to look the best was Open Family Adoption Services. They are based in Oregon and Washington and deal with children locally, that's one major plus. They are not affiliated with any church so they don't have a requirement of what religion they want you to raise the child. Now we're at plus two. The one requirement they want is for the adoption to be open.
Before I researched adoption, I did not know what an open adoption was. At first I thought this isn't a good idea. Then I started to do research and found out that I was wrong. Adoptions in the past were commonly closed, meaning that the birth mother gave the child up for adoption and would never see the child again. She wouldn't have any knowledge where the child was living, what it was named, no information at all. The child was usually not told either or if they knew, had no way of easily finding who their parents were. This created problems for the children who grew up not knowing who their birth parents were and not knowing why they were put up for adoption. The birth mother, and sometimes the birth family, generally never had the opportunity to explain why they put their child up for adoption and wouldn't see them grow up.
The idea of an open adoption is simple. The birth mother picks the family that she wants to see her child raised in. The family meets with the birth mother and after counseling and getting to know each other, decides to have her child adopted by the family she picks. After the child is born, the birth mother, and hopefully members of her family and the birth father and his family, will stay involved with the child. The important thing to note here is that the child is not going to be co-parented, the birth family will be a part of the family just like relatives. Agreements are usually made up and the birth mother will see the child at least three or four times a year such as on birthdays, holidays and other events.
This has been done for many years now and has worked very well. While it is never easy for a mother to give up her child, knowing that the child is being loved and being provided the life that she couldn't give does soften the blow. The child also benefits because they grow up knowing who the birth mother is, and hopefully the birth father as well. There is no mystery, they know why they were put up for adoption, they realized that they are loved and when they are adults they don't have to try and find their birth parents, they've known them their entire lives.
The one concern I had was will my child look at me as the parent or the biological parent as the real parent. I though about it and I realized something. When you are born you don't remember anything. After a few years your brain starts to function better and you know who your parents are. They are the ones who feed you, clothe you, love you, are there for you. You love your parents and they love you back. Think back to your childhood and growing up with your parents. If you were then told that you were not biologically related to them, would you no longer think of them as your parents? Of course not, they are your parents because they raised you. Adopted children don't look at the birth parents as their parents, they know their moms and dads are the ones who raise them.
Once I realized this was a good idea, I knew I had found the right adoption agency for us. They cover everything from the 12 hour class required by state law, the home-study, finding birth mothers, counseling and help with the legal paperwork. Since I know that we haven't done this before and will most likely never do it again, it is much easier to have someone guide you along who has done this for years. That is how I picked our adoption agency and I know I made the right decision.
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