Misconceptions about Open Adoption

As Adam and I go further in the adoption process we are answering questions about what open-adoption actually is and how does it work. Whenever I want to define something I start with a definition. Dictionary.com has a good definition "open adoption is arrangement in which contact is maintained or allowed between a child's adoptive and biological parents." Keep in mind that every case is different and contact will vary.

The only thing missing from every definition that I found was love. All I could sense was fear: will the child know who my real parents are; will the child understand the difference; will the child suffer because of open-adoption.  The answer to all of the questions revolves around love.

The adoptive parents are the real parents. They are the parents that are around the child everyday; they are the parents that help them when things go wrong and celebrate when things go right; they are the parents that are cheering at little league games. The birth-parents are important because they can help a child understand why they have brown eyes when mom and dad don't.

My favorite: will the child suffer or be teased because of being adopted? Will my child suffer, not if I can help it. I always want to question someone who says that a child will suffer because of open adoption? What will the child suffer from? The answer is usually: not knowing who the real parents are? My answer to them: We are the real parents. With a strong open adoption the child will know the birth parents.  But most of all a child can not have too much love and that is what adoption equals.

Adam and I have decided that our child will be raised with love, honor, integrity, honesty and courage. Hate is something that has to be taught the default is love. When you raise a child with love that is what the child will seek out in life.

The only that I can say is when you chose open adoption you chose to give someone the gift of raising your child. There is a perception that the birth-parent can say: Thanks for raising junior for the past six years but I want him back now. That is not true I don't know about all 50 states but in Oregon an adoption is final when the papers are signed. The birth-parents can change their mind until those papers are signed but once they are signed it is done. I find it astounding that someone would believe that it would be okay to give me a child and then take it back years later just because they could. I am so thankful for the laws that do not allow that.

As I am typing this I am reminded of a quote by Martin Luther King Jr who said: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." When we shine a light on open-adoption then and only then will the fear go away.  Along with telling our story of adoption it is our goal to shine a light where there is no light and drive the fear of open-adoption out.